Vaxorcist at 06:21, 20 May 2022

2022-05-20T06:21:27Z

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2022-05-19T20:01:56Z

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Vaxorcist: An unbelievable story about an upgrade to VMS V5

2022-05-19T19:49:08Z

An unbelievable story about an upgrade to VMS V5

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<nowiki>THE VAXORCIST
-------------

A rough draft of a video presentation
by Christopher Russell
Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering
University of Maryland

(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is sitting
in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a small magnetic
tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to the console where
he continues typing.)

(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
revealing USER.)

USER: Any idea when the system will be up?

SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run some
diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming everything
goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow morning.

USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)

(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)

ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System
Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ... the
VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!

(ominous music - fade out)

(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up his
coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking back at
the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits, closing the door
behind him.)

(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on the
console terminal:)

VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...

TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...

(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment, and
suddenly stops.)

(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the floor,
and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light. A peal of
weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre things occur: A
VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360 degrees; the tape drive
opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime begins pouring out of a disk
drive; the line printer begins form-feeding like mad. These continue for
several minutes, or for as long as we can keep them up. FADE OUT)

(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door and
is met by USER.)

USER: System going to be up soon?

SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the door is
apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we should be up in
about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but is confronted by
floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye level is an empty tape
reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE UP of the reel so we can
read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or
take a few days....

(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting in a
cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a poster which
reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can see the terminal,
but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is wearing a headset.)

TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?

SYSMGR VOICE: 31576

TSR: And your name?

SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.

(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his head
with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is perusing
while he talks on the phone.)

TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?

SYSMGR: VMS version 5.

TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
product?

(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and he drops
the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies through the air
where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and looks to where the disk
went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a disk embedded in one of them
at neck height.)

SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.

(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)

TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?

(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)

TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the air...
uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from the CPU
board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing at the
terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment, can I have
them get back to you?

(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office. DEVELOPER
is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)

(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)

MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!

DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.

MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?

DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It seems
that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI routine was
copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He removes a CD
from his jacket) This one, to be precise.

MANAGER: And what's that?

DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits". Normally, it
wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't used yet. But when
they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and the computer just sort
of became a thing possessed.

MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?

DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.

MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of before
anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do if they heard
about this?

DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.

MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)

DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?

(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:

SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474

he flips to the next card:

BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937

he flips to the next card:

REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365

he flips to the next card

OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:

SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666

(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is a knock
at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens it. Standing
there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the VAXORCIST, wearing a
trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)

VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
problems.

(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the walls
and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his coat and hat,
revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC badge.)

SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!

VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with situations
like this before.

SYSMGR: You have?

VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer renamed
his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system directory. When
the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the entire accounting
department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There was a similar problem
in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there was the IRS fiasco that
we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry. These things can be fixed.
Before I can help you, though, I have to ask you a few questions. (The
VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a clipboard) Now, according to the
report, the strange occurences began after you installed VMS Version 5, is that
correct?

SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.

VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS Version
5?

SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?

VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.

SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on his
disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)

VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your
documentation upgrade.

SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the papers on
his desk) Documentation upgrade?

VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
Documentation Set!

SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns and we
see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small red sign
on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS").

VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go take
a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.

(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign that
anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR behind him.)

VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.

SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.

VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense of
security.

SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)

VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you may
want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings hiself up
to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it) By the power of
DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)

(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which sits
the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)

SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?

VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.

(CUT to SYSMGRs office)

VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think we're
going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.

SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?

VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the VAX
to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with it. Now,
I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be installed.
(VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU will be so bogged
down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.

SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
last digit?

VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.

(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door. As
the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.

VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.

SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're nuts!

VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)

SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better take
this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking gun from
the inside of his jacket)

VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it, and
shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO VAX/VMS
SYSTEM EXORCISM")

(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters the
room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room showing
the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)

VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show thyself.

VAX: Bugger off.

VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?

VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over you!

VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with the
power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!

(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a fog
begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak open to
reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be the
creature's eyes)

VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on your
private parts.

VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in
gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)

VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX
systems in Hell!

(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)

VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!

(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)

VAX: Mount me! Mount me!

VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I banish
thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams and the
scream fades to silence.)

(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The VAXORCIST
is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)

SYSMGR: So it's over?

VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.

SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I
don't know what we would have done without you.

VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution Center
should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out that AI
routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he hands SYSMGR
the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back) Have a good one.
(VAXORCIST leaves).

(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)

SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get rolling.
Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again! (cheers are heard
from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving only the VAX with it's
cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom in to the LSI unit.
Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red glow)

(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu). Please feel
free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as this notice
is left intact.</nowiki>

[[DEC Humor]]

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+       <nowiki>
-      -------------
+                          THE VAXORCIST
               A rough draft of a video presentation

THE VAXORCIST - Revision history

Vaxorcist at 06:21, 20 May 2022

Jnc: + Category: tag

Vaxorcist: An unbelievable story about an upgrade to VMS V5